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Two weeks before my birthday, a motivational speaker you can call him, Jeff Leving visited my school to talk to us about finding our voice. At first I thought this man came to speak to those who’ve been living unheard and I swore that that did not apply to me. The he started to speak on choosing courage over fear, to tell our bad angel, our devil on the shoulder, our gremlin that it’s full of shit. Yesterday, I did something I never thought I would ever do. I got comfortable and stood up in a room filled with strangers and told them that I am suffering. I watched these strangers becoming silent and they listened to me. They looked me in the eye and hugged me. I told them that for 20 years I’ve been a child. I am brilliant, but I refuse to apply myself, to grow up and show this brilliance. I told them that I would like to start asserting my existence so the world can officially know that I am here and I will change it. I am unique, smart, beautiful and I have so much to say, but I’ve always been afraid of being unheard. I’ve decided to choose courage and face my fears. I’m no longer going to call it laziness, or stubbornness because I know someone will listen now. I know what I want, need, deserve and I intend on attaining that. I will have the courage to become the person in my head. I will no longer fear growth, change, and myself. Now that I know how to land on my own feet and stay balance, I have to continue to do this without my crutches before someone finally decides on knocking me off of them, or they break from under me. I’m not saying it will happen over night, but I do intend on changing not only my life, but others in the process. I plan on being heard, I plan on asserting myself into this world and it will know of my existence. I plan on being more than words on a paper, screen, or in the air. I plan on leading those words into the hearts and minds of everyone I meet and for them to know me, for me to know me. I intend on being better than ME. It’s time to grow up. Officially. My father locked me out of the house for 5 hours and slapped me Wednesday night because he was upset that I went to meet and talk to Imani. Apparently I am THE black sheep and my family plans on skinning and slathering me unless I start growing white wool. Imani contacted me before I came home and I’ve been sitting with confusion since that day. I realize that I’ve lost and I’ve changed tremendously since we broke up. My mind’s cleaner, and my heart is heavy. My words match my pain and my pain seem to have a compassionate side, because it’s letting me suffer slowly. She wants me back and I’m still in love with her. I’m just going to let that sentence stand alone. I decided that when I see her on Wednesday, I’m not going to hold back. She needed to see me broken, I needed her to see that I’m not okay and for her to understand how much I want to be okay. Wednesday night, I was locked out from 11PM to 6AM and when I was finally let in, I needed answers. I needed my dad to tell me why the hell he thought it was on any level okay to lock me out of for that long. He hit me and I went mad. I’ve lost respect, truth and any level of compassion for this man and my mother… My mother denied me sanctuary when I begged at her feet. She added to what I can’t even express as just pain but something beyond that scale. Today my father finally spoken to me about this and apparently this is all because I went to see Imani. For some reason my family have made her enemy #1. This one girl, regardless of what happens between Imani and I emotionally had done nothing but respect my family wishes better than I have. I have never spoken to my family about my emotions, nonetheless about my emotions towards Imani. The point of all of this: I was told to choose. I was told that if I choose to live this life, I have to pick someone to love and stick with it period. I was told today that, basically, both of my parents realized that my sexuality is not a phase, that this is real and as a result of that, there will be rules. They want to sit with me and talk about it and I have to come to a decision on what I pan to do about my personal life and more importantly what I want regarding having Imani apart of my life period. I’ve been out for 6 years and only have 2 years where I truly dated openly and now I have to discuss who I should and shouldn’t love? I refuse to comply. I’m not only at lost of words, but I finally really see how who I love affects the people around me. Apparently it makes a big difference but yet, but YET it’s no one’s decision but my own. I saw this coming, but not like this, not this quick. I want to cry, but it’s just going to make this confusion in my head louder. I need to go back to bed and wake up in a less dramatic fuckery of a movie than that of my life. I can’t believe what just happened. This is just… I’m perplex. Just at lost for words. I dislike suspicious behavior. It makes me unease to be around someone who always seem as thou they have a agenda or have this insincere aura about them Had to say goodbye to the homies. As much as I hated it there at NEC, I still had some amazing times there with some awesome people. Yeah, they’ll always have a place in my heart. one day before I leave NEC, one day before I start my summer, one day before I complete my sophomore year of college and I’m drinking trying to make these past 37 days hurt less. I have a secret. bout to face this bottle. bury my feelings, and drowning my secret. I just pray summer 2013 will be kind to me. 
Me and the girls high in a classroom doing nails and watching movies on the projector. Lmao. 
SO I did my makeup one day and I didn’t look scary or like a drag queen.. I don’t think I have the patients for this another day, but it was fun! A little bit of sun can go a long way on this campus. Seriously, Monday, when I leave, I’m going to cry. These girls seriously made my spring semester the worst and the best experience ever. We fight, we smoke, we laugh, we party, drink, talk, drive, lay around, sun bath, do homework, walk, everything together. It’s worth knowing Kim and Alexcia because, even when I hate them on the low, I love them like family! That’s one good thing I can say about attending NEC! These girls right here! |
